Dear Audience

I promise not to be perfect.

Or to be flat.

Or out of reach.

I promise not to look that hot when I kiss

because you probably don’t either.

I promise to be convincing sometimes

and pushed and strained and weird

at others.

Because humans do that.

And I’m one of you.

I promise not to be better than you.

I can’t be.

I’ve tried.

I tell you this now so you won’t be disappointed

when you meet me

and I’m pretty from here

but not pretty from that other side.  

I tell you this now so you won’t look for a different girl,

dressed up like me.

So you won’t ask for your money back,

and shake your tickets in the air.

I hope you don’t hate the lumps in my hair

and the slouch in my back when I’m really relaxed,

Because

I can’t run them away.

I’ve tried.

I want you to know that I want to honor you,

but I get distracted by impressing you instead

because I see movie stars and think they’re beautiful and I forget that its their humanity that’s making me cry, not their collarbones

I’m suspicious that you’re judge and jury,

that this isn’t what you want.

that I’m breaking a promise with my normalness.

You’ll sue.

I had potential to be huge.

…If just worked a little harder.

I guess I’ll look normal in my wedding dress someday.

Like you probably did.

Maybe that’ll make room for something more beautiful

than flat stomachs.

Something like forgetting yourself. 

So, 

I promise that I won’t nail every moment.

I promise I’ll be scared it could’ve been better,

I promise that I’ll work really hard,

and I’ll do well sometimes. And maybe not at others.

I promise I’ll hold up a mirror,

and make you uncomfortable

because it’s uncomfortable to know that life won’t lift us up somewhere perfect.

It’s uncomfortable for me,

to discover I’m such a normal girl

instead of a perfect one.

But I think it’s better this way.

I think it makes room for something else

Because now

I can promise to be one of you,

I can promise to tell you a story,

I can promise to make new promises.

Like, I promise to have stretch marks,

and I promise to be caught looking strange.

I promise to eat when I’m nervous and stare too long at myself when I’m done,

I promise to wonder if I’m doing it wrong,

I promise to wonder if I’m hot enough for this,

I promise to work too hard because I care too much I’ve always cared too much,

I promise to love every second of this, and be terrified to watch when it’s done,

I promise to hope for the best every time every time every time,

I promise to fail at being better than you.

I promise to fail at being worse.

I promise to let you watch my face, blown up 40x60 and think whatever you want,

I promise I won’t be there to control it, 

because that’s the choice I made because I promise there’s a part of me that wants that faith, that wants to believe in the promise that there are more important things for me than to be flawless for you.

I promise not to stop, like you don’t. 

I promise.