30

I’m about to turn 30. Most of the feelings I have about this are good since I’ve wanted to be 30 since I was approximately 7. But there are also a few that are bad. And mostly the bad ones have to do with the fact I’m saying goodbye to a huge time in my life. My 20s are done. They are finished. I will never, ever do them again. 

That is crazy. It’s an impossible thing to imagine. It’s written in stone now. I made my choices. I had my days. 

And it’s interesting because I don’t consider my wild youth to have been very wild. On the contrary it was actually sort of insanely driven. And peppered with wild adversity, and like… rich but deeply painful lessons. I essentially spent my 20s testing my boundaries and feeling absolutely traumatized when I crossed one and thus learning where it was to begin with. There were moments of glory, quickly followed by moments of humbling. There were a few years where I thought I had it all figured out (that felt awesome) and then that turned out not to be true. Some things I imagined came to fruition, many things I imagined didn’t, and now, as I leave my 20s, I feel like I know even less than I did before. And that’s a little terrifying, to be real with you. I look across the battlefield, and it’s a little bloody. 

So I think it’s a little harder let go of my 20s in the face of that because I’m realizing I was actually thinking that at one point, I would really get it right. And then I would just run through the fields like a fairy for the last 3 months of my 20s and do all the “real” 20s things then, and… you know. Redemption. 

Well, that shit didn’t happen! And I realize this is objectively ridiculous. There isn’t a “right” experience to have, in your 20s, or at any time, thank GOD. So, the higher parts of me know that. And as for my 20s, I do see the grace in them. They were what I needed… wrapped up in weird ass wrapping paper that… had spikes all over it on one side. Like, the wrapping job was a little homely, and crumpled and maybe? Already half opened? And all in all, not what I asked for? But not bad. At all.

Sometimes radiant. But not easy.  

Which I took to mean I was doing it “wrong” but… hm. Is that true, you think? I’m vascillating on that one. 

Before October 28th happens, what I’d really like is to accept my portion, to say “this was mine, and it was perfect.” I am at a crossroads it seems like, where I get to choose to celebrate it, and kiss my years goodbye, hold them tightly to my heart and bless their warm, present, vital foreheads, or to turn my back as they row away and pretend that I gave birth to a different set of circumstances, and that my package looked a little different. To pretend it’s not happening. Or that there weren’t things that were hard.  

It makes me want to cry, because I do feel as though I am saying goodbye to something. Maybe just the idea that life is going to be only wonder and only good. The only hard thing about turning 30 so far, is just admitting that my life my 20s was not only good. And I’m surprised to be having so many feelings about that. But I guess it makes sense. I have feelings about everything. 

And I’m out of time now, to do something differently, which is probably a good thing, for me. There are many, many ways to do this, and I chose some of them. We all have to choose some of them. 

Thank God there are other people here to be alive alongside, because I am so puny in the face of experiences like these. Which is why my sister is flying in. And I’ve planned to turn 30 on a rooftop with a bunch of other souls. Thank God. I know they’ll help me be brave. (A proud. And joyful. And drunk.)  

Yesterday my hypnotherapist (yep) told me that we can spend our time haunted by imagined lives, or we can find the beauty in the one that we actually have. The one that’sreal. The one that is showing up to be ours.   

So as for my 30 years. 

I still wish I had a little more time with them. To make sure all the t’s were crossed and the i’s were dotted. But since I don’t, since that’s not the way that works down here… here’s what I have for them, today:

——-

To the 30. 

I want you to know I will be here to watch you go. I will stand with you until the end. 

I will not to turn my back, or look away. I will not tremble, or take the spotlight for myself. I will not text a friend. 

I will not pretend you were perfect. Or tell you I wish that you had been. I will not apologize. I will not wait for you to, either. 

I will watch you set sail and I will smile into your eyes. And when you’re so far in the distance that you can no longer see my face, I will wave one more time, and let you go. 

And I will continue to hunt for your divinity. I will continue to tell stories about your vibrancy. I will toast you on a rooftop. I will forgive the things you failed to bring me. I will count the things that you did.   

Thank you for being with me. You were mine. And that is the best thing that you were. 

I’m so, so glad I had you. I’ll miss you. 

Onwards.